A hole in my life

June 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm Leave a comment

How much death can a girl take in one year? Seriously, think twice before you hang out with me. When a close friend dies you’re in a kind of limbo as far as bereavment is concerned. Compassionate leave for the funeral has to be begged at work and you’re expected to continue on as usual, because you’re not family. But all the time you carry around with you the knowledge that there is a big hole in your life. It’s not always easy to explain what it is that you miss about that person. Not until you stop and reflect can you identify the shape and depth of the whole. This is the shape of the hole that Stuart has left in my life.

Darlek shaped. Stuart had a large remote controlled Darlek and I have a small one. I was ever and always jealous of his large Darlek and the range of noises it made and movement it had. Nevertheless, I always meant to take my Darlek to play with Stuarts Darlek. But in a busy world of work and other apparently ‘important’ stuff that cloggs up day to day life, who has time for a silly Darlek game? Stuart did. He would never have thought playing with Darleks was a waste of an evening or afternoon. Had I mentioned it he would have made the time. He was a lover of the random. Darleks, then tea and cake, because whatever you went to do with Stu, it always involved tea and cake. An abundence of cake. 

Eeyore shaped. Eeyore the gloomy donkey, ever grumpy. Yep, that was Stu. Sometimes it was very, very frustrating. But more often it was great to sit down with him and be bloody grumpy together! Moan about this and that like a couple of old women. Grumpy, ranting old women. Over tea and cake. Did I mention the cake before?

Randomly shaped. If you didn’t think that playing with Darleks was random enough, Stu loved spontaneity. Dragging me off at a moments’ notice to see LOTR the musical and the like, Stuart quite liked being spontaneous. So long as it involved cake.

I keep coming across areas in my life where Stuart has left holes. Who will sort out my sound system now? He wired it all up and took great  pleasure in doing so. It wasn’t a chore to him or a favour, he was genuinely delighted to be enriching my listening and viewing experience. Stuart loved people and we loved him, I hope he knew that. He was my great good friend. He was one of the first people to text me when I knew my dad was dying, even though he was very sick himself. ‘I know the last thing you want to do is go to the cancer ward, don’t worry.’ Was one of the last things he said to me. I didn’t get to the hospice in time. It will be one of my greatest regrets.

Goodbye my dear, dear friend. Whatever you’re doing now, I’m sure it involves cake.

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Who knows best? A kairos moment

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